Has this happened to you? You’re faced with a complicated problem. You think you’ve identified a solution. You’ve talked both the problem and solution through with a friend, and your friend agrees that the solution you’ve identified is viable and likely to lead to a positive outcome. You’re feeling affirmed and hopeful about solving the problem. And then you think, “what if…?” You begin to doubt the viability of the original solution because an entirely new scenario arises, one where the original solution won’t work. A second “what if…?” arises, and then a third, a fourth. Your good feeling dissipates, and you’re left feeling disheartened, anxious, and a bit hopeless. You feel stuck.
Over the years, I’ve worked with many clients for whom the question “what if…?” creates and sustains anxiety, and paralyzes them from taking action. They get stuck in a maze of “what if...?” and have a hard time finding their way out.
· “What if I move and find myself in a worse situation?”
· “What if I tell my husband I’m feeling emotionally disconnected and unsupported in our relationship, and he leaves me?”
· “What if I go to the doctor and she tells me that I have some incurable disease?”
· “What if I take this medication and it doesn’t work, and I feel worse?”
· “What if I break up with my boyfriend and then am alone for the rest of my life?
Notice that the “what if” question is usually followed by some negative or catastrophic prediction. And notice the feelings that arise when you have these thoughts.
“What if…?” can create anxiety—the fear of some unknown but predicted future event. Anxiety is the fear of some future threat, and anxiety worsens the farther into the future one tries to lives. “What if” disconnects you from the present and thrusts you into an unlivable future.
It is important to differentiate “what if” thinking from having aspirations and plans. “What if” thinking tends to create anxiety and tends to shut down hope. Aspirations and plans tend to do the opposite: they create excitement and open up possibilities. Ask yourself this: when the “what if” thought arises, what do you feel? If you find yourself shutting down or feeling dread, you may want to get help and find another way of thinking about yourself in relation to the problem you seek to resolve. You're apt to spiral into anxiety and hopelessness.
(A reminder: you can plan for the future but you can only live in the present.)
When clients get caught up in a cascade of “what if” questions—questions tinged with dread and that result in paralysis—I invite them to explore the source of the anxiety. Often, the questions are rooted in the client’s beliefs about control and competence. The client holds onto beliefs about his/her ability to respond to an unknown future. Many clients believe they are incompetent and further believe that they will be humiliated if they take problem-solving action. “What if”, then, becomes a strategy to avoid incompetence and shame. “What if” thinking does not work very well since it subverts meaningful planning and active problem-solving.
Addressing “what if” thinking in therapy ultimately centers on finding alternative ways of thinking about problems and developing new beliefs about yourself. When you become mindful of “what if” thinking and its consequences you've taken the first step toward restructuring those anxious thoughts, developing new beliefs about yourself, and taking meaningful action.
