“How does that make you feel?’ This question has become equated with psychotherapy. In popular culture, it is often posed ironically, and in the media it has become a signal for a superficial therapeutic intervention. Yet the question is important, one therapists ask in all seriousness. We want to know. More important, we want our clients to know what and how they are feeling. Feelings have meaning.
Feelings are elusive and change throughout the course of a day, an hour, even a moment. Sometimes, feelings arise and fade so quickly that we are not fully conscious of them. Sometimes we experience our feelings so forcefully that we become disoriented and destabilized.
Feelings arise from body sensations: butterflies in the stomach, tension in the shoulders, arousal, abdominal fullness, a lump in the throat. We interpret these sensations, labeling them as nervousness/anxiety, anger, desire, happiness, sadness. Often, we do not pay too much conscious attention to them. However, there are times when these sensations are so powerful that they command our full attention.
We develop beliefs about our feelings, and we often make judgments about them, especially when the sensations are uncomfortable. At times, the feelings seem so powerful that we believe that our feelings will disable us. Explosive anger, paralyzing anxiety, oppressive depression are all experiences of overwhelming feelings. These are the feelings we tend to avoid and, often, want to medicate away.
A few weeks ago, a young man said to me “I feel too much.” I wondered aloud what he meant, and he elaborated “I have too many feelings, and I get so caught up in them that I have a hard time doing anything.”
Feelings can indeed be quite uncomfortable, but I tend to think the discomfort is less about the sensations themselves than the fact that we often do not understand them. This seems especially true with powerful feelings. Sometimes the power with which feelings manifest seems out of proportion to the circumstances that gave rise to them—a signal that the root of the feeling goes deeper than the triggering situation. Indeed, feelings are often attached to memories and other unconscious material--material that may be repressed, material we defend against because it is too painful or disturbing to examine. When a situation triggers feelings, those memories or repressed material may also be triggered, and the feelings associated with the material become unlocked. The result: overwhelming feelings and a sense of anxious confusion.
Feelings can be powerful teachers, if we give ourselves permission to sit with them and explore them. “How does that make you feel?” acknowledges that feelings arise and invites an exploration into the experience and meaning of feelings. Psychotherapy is a place where you can safely feel your feelings, learn the lessons they have to teach, and develop insights about how feelings work.
It takes courage to feel feelings. There are risks involved, of course. But the rewards for feeling and understanding your feelings are innumerable.