You are a responsible adult. You work, support your family, pay the bills, tend to your spouse and children. You try to do what’s right. Yet you’re plagued with a gnawing sense of dissatisfaction. And although you’re not necessarily looking for excitement, you feel that something is missing. You can’t quite pinpoint what’s wrong. You get along with your spouse or partner, and when disagreements arise you work to smooth things over. You want to make your partner happy and you go out of your way to insure that he or she feels cared for. You have the sense that something needs to change, but can’t identify what change would look like.
You’re a nice person. You’re a good wife; you’re a good husband. So what’s wrong?
Being “good” creates safety, and we all need to feel safe. But being “good” often carries a price. Being “good” can be emotionally confining, especially since being “good” usually has a lot of rules attached to it: “the needs of others come first,” “work before play,” “don’t rock the boat,” “take responsibility,” “don’t be selfish.” Being “good” can be emotionally inauthentic, especially if it doesn’t allow you to have and express all your thoughts and feelings in relationship. When that happens, being “good” becomes a role—a role that is largely one dimensional.
You are much more than that.
“Good” husbands and “good” wives were often “good sons” and “good daughters”—children who obeyed the family rules and who did not ask for too much lest Mom or Dad criticize and reject them. “Good” boys and girls are taught to be sensitive to others, to be care-full (literally, full of care), and mindful about their place in the world. “Good” girls and boys play it safe and know how to create safety for themselves and others. Indeed, “good” sons and daughters grow up to be “good” husbands and wives—dutiful and safe, but often not quite satisfied with their lives and relationships.
(Truth be told, the partners and spouses of “good” people may not be satisfied either, and the dissatisfaction may be mystifying to both. “He’s a good father. He takes care of me and the kids. I don’t know why I feel restless.” “She’s my rock; she’s takes care of everything I don’t have time for. I love being married to her, but I just don’t feel a spark anymore.” “Things are good, but the joy has gone out of our relationship.”)
The trouble is that rigid adherence to being “good” often disconnects us from the richness of our emotional lives and from our deeper desires. Being “good” can prevent us from the taking the risks we might need to take in order to truly be successful and happy in our relationships—as well as in business, social circles, and our overall lives. “Good” people are prone to losing touch with their deeper desires because desire threatens the stability of their lives and relationships, stability created by being too centered on care-giving and care-taking.
Desire can take us beyond ourselves. Desire draws and binds us to others. And because it does so, desire is unsettling: desire points to possibilities for our lives that, though attractive, may seem uncomfortably beyond our reach. Desire can feel unsafe and can even be dangerous: there may be aspects of desire that seem transgressive because they don’t conform to our ideas about ourselves, what it means to be an adult, or what it is socially acceptable. Desire also requires that we take risks—risks that may require that we let go of the ideas we have about being “good.”
Growing up and becoming an adult means taking a look at ideas and assumptions we have about ourselves, about what it means to be “good”, and about what it means to be responsible. It also means getting in touch with our desires, examining them, and figuring out how to give them space in our lives. Growing up may mean letting go of being “good”.
Healthy adults balance desire with responsibility. We can attend to and care for others, AND we can attend to our desires. In relationships, this means giving voice to our desires. While we may not always choose to act upon our desires, giving them attention can help us know ourselves so that we can grow beyond the “good son”, the “good daughter”, the “good wife” the “good” husband. When we will grow up out of “being good” and live authentically, we enrich our relationships and are likely to feel more satisfied with our lives.