The Habit of Self-Compassion

My Tuesday morning subway commute typically includes reading the science section of The New York Times which reports on the latest developments in a wide variety of fields—from archeology to physics. Neuroscience and psychiatry are frequent topics. At least one article is devoted to some aspect of mental health or psychology. This past week, the article that caught my attention was titled “Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research Urges.” The article, (published 3/1/11) described psychological research on self-compassion which suggests that a key to mental health involves “giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections.”

This rang true for me, since many of the clients I see beat themselves up for the mistakes they’ve made, for their perceived flaws, for their imperfect relationships. And while most people are vaguely aware that they are very hard—needlessly hard—on themselves, the habit of self-abasing criticism is so ingrained that self-denigrating thoughts are automatically triggered whenever a loss of control or a personal failure is experienced. As many a client has said, “I tend to be very hard on myself. I HAVE to be so that I keep myself in line”. And they proceed to beat themselves up. (A variation: “I was really dumb. I should have [fill in the blank with your favorite ‘should’].”)

It makes sense that the lack of tolerance for one’s limits and imperfections—lack of self-compassion—is linked to depression, anxiety disorders, addictions, and other problems. And it makes sense that developing the habit of self-compassion would be a key to sustaining mental health. So how to change a lifetime of being hard on yourself?

Kristin Neff, the psychologist interviewed for the Times article, identifies three components to self-compassion: self-kindness (being warm and understanding toward our imperfections), affirmation of a common humanity (recognizing that all people experience inadequacy and make mistakes), and mindfulness (developing a balanced approach that suspends "good/bad" judgments, experiencing life as it is, not as we think it “should” be). Developing self-compassion focuses on cultivating all three. (Her website [www.self-compassion.org] provides more detail.)

It seems to me that self-compassion begins with developing awareness of and understanding how certain situations or events trigger self-punishing thoughts. What pushes the self-critical buttons? Notice the familiar sequence of thoughts triggered by those circumstances, the feelings associated with the thoughts, and the behaviors that tend to emerge in response to those thoughts and feelings. In other words, being present to yourself in the moment—being present to your thinking/feeling—is the first step.

Cognitive therapies offer specific techniques for changing the thinking patterns in support of self-compassion: consciously stopping the negative train of thoughts, introducing distracters, engaging in self-talk aimed at changing the content of the self-abasing thoughts, substituting negative thoughts with affirming self-statements. Some therapists also draw upon Buddhist mindfulness meditation traditions and suggest meditating on compassionate texts or statements (i.e., “lovingkindness meditation).

In addition, I think it is important to look more deeply at the patterns of self-abasement themselves in order to sustain a change in the direction of self-compassion. Where do the self-condemning thoughts originate? How did the pattern of self-abasement begin in the first place? Whose voices do you hear when you beat yourself up? What deeper purpose do these thoughts serve? How critical are these patterns of thoughts to the architecture of your psyche? How do these patterns play out throughout life?

It seems to me that developing compassion is related to learning to self-acceptance (with all our imperfections and limitations) which means, in turn, accepting our deepest desires. And we may not be fully conscious of our desires. (In fact, Freud taught us that we often defend against that which we most desire.) I suspect that those times when we are the least self-compassionate are the times when we have the most difficulty accepting ourselves, and have the most difficulty identifying and accepting our desires within the context of the present moment. Too often, we contort ourselves into untenable and unsustainable positions because we are not able to compassionately accept ourselves or our desires. Accepting ourselves often means becoming awakened to our desires.

(The word “should” in this context becomes a tool for perverting desire, changing desire into something unrecognizable. I think that one step toward self-compassion is becoming aware of the way we use the word “should” and even trying to move away from using the word. “Should” does not reflect what is. Self-acceptance, self-compassion focuses on what is.)

The habit of self-compassion is critical to mental health, but creating a new frame of mind founded on self-acceptance and self-compassion is not easy. While it takes conscious effort and practice (and sometimes professional help), living with self-compassion will bring greater satisfaction and joy to life. This is very hard work; it is the work of psychotherapy.

Medicating Feelings

“I can't stand all this stress. I just want these feelings to go away.” And so, he typically pours himself a double martini and downs Valium (or two) in an attempt to make them go away. The trouble is the feelings don’t actually disappear; they just become alcohol-soaked and distorted.

It doesn’t have to be alcohol, though. There are as many ways to medicate away emotions as there are people. Some people drink; others use marijuana, cocaine, Oxycontin, Xanax, or some combination thereof. Still others eat their feelings, using food to find comfort. Sex can be another means for medicating feelings, as can gambling, watching TV, looking at pornography, playing video games or surfing the Internet for hours and hours.

Medicating uncomfortable emotions—making them “go away”—is a fairly common means of coping. It’s a quick “fix”. Unfortunately, self-medication does not offer viable, permanent resolution to the stressors of life. And in fact, self-medication often creates additional problems, addiction being most prominent.

I realize I've written about self-medication before (see Looking for that Magic Pill). However, the impulse to medicate away feelings through a variety of means is a common theme in my practice, one that clients return to again and again. And so, I return to it here.

We tend to make judgments about our feelings, deeming them “good” or “bad”, trying to exorcise them with “shoulds” and “oughts”, and sometimes developing habits designed to alter them. Uncomfortable feelings—pain, loneliness, anger, grief, anxiety, sadness, shame, guilt—are judged with special harshness and severity; they are the emotions we most want to be rid of and they are the emotions around which habitual self-medicating behaviors are likely to develop.

Significantly, we also develop beliefs about our feelings and self-medicating behaviors:

“It is not OK to feel certain feelings. My feelings are bigger than me and can destroy me. I’m not competent enough to cope with strong feelings and therefore need something to help me. I don’t have enough strength to manage. If I don’t immediately do or take something, I will be in the grips of this feeling forever.”

Or, "if it feels good, it must be OK."

These beliefs are often reinforced when we self-medicate. Habitually reaching for alcohol, turning on the television, surfing the web for internet pornography (or however we try to alter our emotional state) to escape or alter feelings has a subtle, but powerful, impact on how we think about and experience ourselves: our perceptions about ourselves and our thinking becomes distorted. We begin to believe that the power to cope, the power to soothe ourselves rests outside us. We begin to believe “I am not enough. I am inadequate.” On a deep level, we identify with powerlessness.

Self-medication—whatever form it takes, however it is done—often impedes our ability to live fully. It is a common path to addiction.

(A word about prescribed medications. There are psychiatric and medical conditions that necessitate the prescription of medications. These medications have a particular purpose and are typically monitored by psychiatrists, physicians, or other licensed medical professionals. These medications are meant to help regulate body and brain function and are not meant to eliminate emotional states. While these medications take the edge off anxieties and depressions, they are tools that support behavioral change and emotional coping. These medications are not prescribed to take away feelings.)

Feelings are part of life. Feelings give human life texture, color, and shading. Most of the time, we are not fully aware of our feelings. It is usually only when our feelings are strong that they command our attention. Nonetheless, feelings are in constant flux: they come and go, rising and falling naturally throughout the course of the day. Feelings do not last forever.

Feelings can be great teachers. However, they can only teach us if we are willing to be present with them, pay attention, and cultivate curiosity about them. Much of psychotherapy’s work centers on attending to the landscape of our feelings: learning about their nuances, discerning the pathways feelings travel, discerning relationships among feelings, and developing insights about them--insights that can transform our lives. Psychotherapy will also address the patterns of self-medication. Indeed, understanding those patterns can open a door onto the deeper feelings that are otherwise hidden, suppressed or distorted by self-medication.

Many people enter psychotherapy hoping that the therapist will “make the feelings go away.” Those seeking a quick “fix” will surely be disappointed. (Even prescribed psychotropic medications take time to begin working. There is no magic pill.) But those willing invest the time and energy to cultivate curiosity about their feelings will find their efforts rewarded with lives fully experienced.

Psychotherapy offers alternatives to self-medication. Therapy can help you learn to accept feelings and help you manage their rising and ebbing. Therapy can help you develop perspective on feelings and develop new beliefs about them. And therapy can help you develop insight into your feelings—insights that can eventually transform your life.