The Habit of Self-Compassion

My Tuesday morning subway commute typically includes reading the science section of The New York Times which reports on the latest developments in a wide variety of fields—from archeology to physics. Neuroscience and psychiatry are frequent topics. At least one article is devoted to some aspect of mental health or psychology. This past week, the article that caught my attention was titled “Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research Urges.” The article, (published 3/1/11) described psychological research on self-compassion which suggests that a key to mental health involves “giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections.”

This rang true for me, since many of the clients I see beat themselves up for the mistakes they’ve made, for their perceived flaws, for their imperfect relationships. And while most people are vaguely aware that they are very hard—needlessly hard—on themselves, the habit of self-abasing criticism is so ingrained that self-denigrating thoughts are automatically triggered whenever a loss of control or a personal failure is experienced. As many a client has said, “I tend to be very hard on myself. I HAVE to be so that I keep myself in line”. And they proceed to beat themselves up. (A variation: “I was really dumb. I should have [fill in the blank with your favorite ‘should’].”)

It makes sense that the lack of tolerance for one’s limits and imperfections—lack of self-compassion—is linked to depression, anxiety disorders, addictions, and other problems. And it makes sense that developing the habit of self-compassion would be a key to sustaining mental health. So how to change a lifetime of being hard on yourself?

Kristin Neff, the psychologist interviewed for the Times article, identifies three components to self-compassion: self-kindness (being warm and understanding toward our imperfections), affirmation of a common humanity (recognizing that all people experience inadequacy and make mistakes), and mindfulness (developing a balanced approach that suspends "good/bad" judgments, experiencing life as it is, not as we think it “should” be). Developing self-compassion focuses on cultivating all three. (Her website [www.self-compassion.org] provides more detail.)

It seems to me that self-compassion begins with developing awareness of and understanding how certain situations or events trigger self-punishing thoughts. What pushes the self-critical buttons? Notice the familiar sequence of thoughts triggered by those circumstances, the feelings associated with the thoughts, and the behaviors that tend to emerge in response to those thoughts and feelings. In other words, being present to yourself in the moment—being present to your thinking/feeling—is the first step.

Cognitive therapies offer specific techniques for changing the thinking patterns in support of self-compassion: consciously stopping the negative train of thoughts, introducing distracters, engaging in self-talk aimed at changing the content of the self-abasing thoughts, substituting negative thoughts with affirming self-statements. Some therapists also draw upon Buddhist mindfulness meditation traditions and suggest meditating on compassionate texts or statements (i.e., “lovingkindness meditation).

In addition, I think it is important to look more deeply at the patterns of self-abasement themselves in order to sustain a change in the direction of self-compassion. Where do the self-condemning thoughts originate? How did the pattern of self-abasement begin in the first place? Whose voices do you hear when you beat yourself up? What deeper purpose do these thoughts serve? How critical are these patterns of thoughts to the architecture of your psyche? How do these patterns play out throughout life?

It seems to me that developing compassion is related to learning to self-acceptance (with all our imperfections and limitations) which means, in turn, accepting our deepest desires. And we may not be fully conscious of our desires. (In fact, Freud taught us that we often defend against that which we most desire.) I suspect that those times when we are the least self-compassionate are the times when we have the most difficulty accepting ourselves, and have the most difficulty identifying and accepting our desires within the context of the present moment. Too often, we contort ourselves into untenable and unsustainable positions because we are not able to compassionately accept ourselves or our desires. Accepting ourselves often means becoming awakened to our desires.

(The word “should” in this context becomes a tool for perverting desire, changing desire into something unrecognizable. I think that one step toward self-compassion is becoming aware of the way we use the word “should” and even trying to move away from using the word. “Should” does not reflect what is. Self-acceptance, self-compassion focuses on what is.)

The habit of self-compassion is critical to mental health, but creating a new frame of mind founded on self-acceptance and self-compassion is not easy. While it takes conscious effort and practice (and sometimes professional help), living with self-compassion will bring greater satisfaction and joy to life. This is very hard work; it is the work of psychotherapy.

Great Expectations

‘Tis the season of great expectations. And while many experience the December holidays with joyful anticipation and good cheer, many others approach the holidays with dread and depression. ‘Tis also the season for stress, anxiety and disappointment. There are undoubtedly many, many reasons for the holiday blues. But I think that one of the most significant factors that creates and sustains holiday stress centers on expectations. While we create expectations for ourselves and others throughout the year, the December holidays amplify them. Indeed, it seems that the holidays are especially freighted with high expectations. For too many people, the December holidays resonate with the word “should” (or words like it—i.e., ‘ought’, 'must'): I "should” buy XX a gift; I “should” bake holiday cookies for my family; I “should” attend the holiday party at my boss’ home; I “ought” to spend time with my family; my family “should” be happy; my partner “should” love me and show it by doing _____; I “should” get along with my parents or with my children; the money I spend on gifts “should” show how much I love my family; my family “should” be grateful for my generosity. There are enormous social conventions and familial pressures that reinforce all these expectations. (How well retail stores and advertisers understand and exploit this!) Unfortunately, expectations often collide with reality. And so, all those “shoulds” become imperatives, and the season that “should” be joyful turns into a season of drudgery and joyless obligation.

Alas, our expectations are not always reasonable. And so, when expectations are out of sync with reality (or what is reasonably possible), or when expectations have morphed into joyless obligations, anxiety, resentment, and disappointment seem almost inevitable. (Notice, too, how expectations remove us from the present reality into an unknown, inchoate future—a sure recipe for creating anxiety.)

It seems to me that most, if not all, the season’s expectations center on the quality of our relationships. The holidays amplify any anxiety we may feel about our sense of connectedness. Look at the list above; each statement reflects insecurity about relationship. And yet this is precisely where I see hope for changing our experience of the holidays: I think that our anxious expectations during this season are really expressions of our desire to feel connected, to love and feel loved—in the present.

From my vantage as a therapist, the holidays offer an annual opportunity to take a look at our desires for connection and relationship, and how our expectations express those desires (not that such work need be limited to the holidays!). The work of therapy, especially during the December holidays, can focus on examining the expectations we have for ourselves and others. Therapy can help us understand how we’ve come to have all those expectations; it can help us discern how our expectations impel or impede our growth and relatedness. Therapy can also help us determine whether those expectations are reasonable or in sync with the larger contexts and realities of our lives. Therapy can help us rid ourselves of or reconfigure those unreasonable or dysfunctional expectations.

In essence, the work of therapy is really about creating and improving our connections and relationships—work that acquires an urgency during the December holiday season as people struggle to cope and find some measure of deeper meaning and peace.

By looking at and by letting go of those expectations that impede growth and relatedness; by embracing the desire for connection; and by finding healthy ways to express those desires, we can experience the holidays as opportunities for connection. We may even find some small measure of serenity and peace.