Danger Ahead, Danger Behind

What do you worry about? What keeps you up at night, tossing and turning? What triggers anxiety for you? Chances are whatever it is is not actually happening in the present moment. Whatever it is is something you anticipate or something that has already happened that continues to echo in your mind. Whatever it is is not happening right now, in this present moment.

One of the most insidious aspects of anxiety centers on a pattern of thinking that takes us out of the present and focuses us on the future. We worry about what lies ahead and create narratives for ourselves, often based on past experiences, about what might happen. Or we ruminate about past traumas, reliving them in our minds and asking ourselves what might have been different, if only… When we do this, we separate ourselves from the present moment. We take ourselves out of present time. And the further we project ourselves out of the present, the more anxious we become. Indeed, we lose ourselves because we are no longer grounded in the here-and-now. And when we do this, feelings of anxiety and dread take hold and grow. We are lost and anxious because we are no longer present to ourselves.

One of the techniques I offer to clients with anxiety is aimed at bringing the client into the room, into the here-and-now. It’s a simple technique: I ask the client to bring their attention to the weight of his/her body in the chair and to look directly at me (or if eye contact is too intimate, to focus on a spot just above my head). As they do this, I ask them to attend to their breathing and ask them to answer several questions: what is going at this moment that is creating anxiety for you? What, if anything, in this room is making you feel anxious? What am I doing that is creating anxiety for you? The answers to these questions are typically “nothing is happening right now, but…” I stop the client, and draw attention back to the breathing and observe that right now nothing is happening to create anxiety. I’ll observe that whatever follows the word “but” is something that is not actually present in the room—something that lies either in the past or the future. We’ll continue to do this until the client is grounded in the present moment. (Often, the client visibly relaxes.)

(If something is actually happening to create anxiety in the here-and-now, the focus shifts and we will attend to whatever is presently happening. Sometimes, this means creating a more open physical space and changing the milieu; other times, it means attending to some aspect of the therapeutic relationship. In any event, it is critical to discern the here-and-now dynamic that triggers anxious responses; it is critical to differentiate between the present and past/future orientation.)

This technique is not meant to eliminate anxiety, but rather to put it in perspective and ground it in the appropriate tense (present, past or future). The exercise reorients us to the present moment. Grounding in the present changes our relationship to our experience and ourselves; it helps us perceive and think about what is actually happening in the present moment. And then, from the perspective of the present moment, we can then explore the roots and paths of the thinking pattern and the origins of the anxiety itself. We can also plan for the future. (Planning for the future and actually living in the future are two very different experiences. Effective planning is predicated on the ability to be grounded in the present, having put into perspective the lessons from the past.) However, we can only effectively do the deeper work by staying firmly grounded in the present moment.

Whatever worries you, whatever keeps you up at night need not control your life. Being oriented in time—being grounded in the present moment—is an important first step to managing those worries. While you may have been exposed to danger in the past (which undoubtedly offer lessons for the present) and while danger may indeed lie ahead (which you can plan for, if you stay grounded in the present), you can only live in the present moment.

Watching words

A lot has been written in the past week about language and its power. The violence in Tucson and its aftermath sparked a much overdue national discussion about language in our public discourse. As a therapist, I am very aware of the power of words. The power of language is something that ancient people knew and respected. Every major wisdom tradition and its literature speaks to the power of language: in the Judeo-Christian tradition, God speaks the world into existence. In indigenous Australian traditions, totemic beings sang the world into existence. And from the Buddha:

The thought manifests as the word; The word manifests as the deed; The deed develops into habit; And the habit into character.

So, watch the thought and its ways with care And let it spring from love Born out of concern for all Beings. As the shadow follows the body, As we think, so shall we become. --From The Dhammapada

Words give shape to our sense of reality. They can uplift, affirm, and celebrate; and they can demean, wound, and destroy. This is not news.

But, as the Buddha insightfully noted, language subtly shapes our inner worlds; it likewise shapes our responses to the external world just as it shapes our character. The language with which we communicate reflects the internal language we use to think about ourselves and our experiences. Indeed, most of us think with language. We carry on continual internal conversations with ourselves, constructing stories in our heads about ourselves and our experiences—stories that give our experiences additional dimensions, textures, and meanings. We then encounter and respond to the world through the lens of those thoughts, words and meanings, not realizing that our encounters with others are now distorted by what our thoughts and language have constructed. Language can filter our perceptions of events which impacts our subsequent actions which are, in turn, responded to by others who have constructed their own stories about what they've experienced. All those thoughts and words create misunderstandings and confusion, usually reinforcing those internal stories we have developed. Without being fully aware of it, we have developed a habit of being in the world. Indeed, “as we think, so shall we become.”

One of the central goals of psychotherapy is to become more aware of one’s thoughts and feelings. Talking—and listening carefully to one’s words—is the primary means for developing awareness. Therapists pay close attention to language because it reveals conscious and unconscious habits of being. Indeed, we pay attention so that we can develop understanding and find a common ground from which to work on changing those habits of being that cause suffering. Attending to our thoughts and words is hard work, and altering our habitual ways of being in the world is even more difficult.

Over the past 25 years, mindfulness—being compassionately watchful of “the thought and its way with care”—has become an increasingly valued habit of being in psychotherapy, especially for therapists. Moreover, it is a habit that many therapists try to help their clients develop. Mindfulness is something that we can all practice and integrate into our daily lives.

It seems to me that real change in our public discourse can only begin with each of us as individuals living with mindful awareness in community: each of us becoming more compassionately mindful; each of us practicing becoming aware of his or her thoughts becoming words, becoming deeds, becoming habits of character.

So, watch the thought and its ways with care And let it spring from love, Born out of concern for all Beings.